booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
