I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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