imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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