Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
