i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Small penises have feelings too.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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