so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
