i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
