i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
