you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
