I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
