You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
