If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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