So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
