Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
