I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
