TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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