see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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