I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Randomize
