I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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