Just fell off a train. Bad.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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