you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
