He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
