her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
