dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Randomize
