you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
