Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
