His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize
