3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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