just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
