is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
