Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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