rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
