I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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