I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
