I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
