so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
