I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Are we still banned from the library?
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
