i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
