So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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