im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
