apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
