Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
