Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
