His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
