her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Of course I have a pirate flag
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
