He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
