do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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