Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
