I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
