I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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